Irreverencity

What's in a dream?

2011-01-04T15:24:00.005-05:00

Well, I'm about to post about something that will make all of you think I'm nuts (as if you needed any more reason). I had a very strange dream last night, one that feels like it has some meaning.

I want to start by saying the setting of the dream was very odd. It felt like I was outside, like at a park, with a lot of unfamiliar people also there. I experienced the green grass and the dirt under me, saw and felt large trees, and there were birds and squirrels. But at the same time, I felt I was inside a large structure kind of like a gym or something.

While in this strange place, I felt quite alone. Then I saw a woman I know. She came up to me and said, "You don't really like me, do you?" She said it as though she was somewhat disappointed. I was completely flabbergasted. I do like this woman. We're not friends, but I like her every bit as much as I like everyone else with whom I interact in our common (real-world) setting, maybe even a bit more.

I have always had difficulty expressing myself and my emotions, especially affection and friendship type things. People seem to think quite often that I'm upset with them when I'm not, that I dislike them, or that I simply don't care or am stoic. None of it is true, of course. And I explained all of this to her in the dream, and we had a lengthy and productive heart-to-heart. We ended up hugging, which felt nice. Now, I'm not a hugger; ever since I was 2 or 3 years old, I have been uncomfortable embracing even family. It is rare for me to find someone I'm willing to hug, so that was another very strange part of the dream.

In the real world, I feel as though I'm not really welcome by her. After this dream, I'm wondering if my own feeling of being left out is just a reflection of how she feels about me - that she feels somewhat uninvited. Maybe I'm the one who is unwelcoming? Maybe I need to reach out more? Or maybe this dream is just a revelation of an interaction to come? I know that sounds strange, but I had another dream some months ago that a co-worker told me she was divorcing her husband. It was another strange-setting, only interact with one person dream with that weird I-know-this-means-something feeling to it. Then a couple of months ago, she told me the same thing in the same manner she did in the dream. Anyone have any ideas on this? Does anyone actually read this anymore?

Ohio's Finest?

2010-11-11T22:24:00.002-05:00

Tonight I was doing my workout after the kids went to bed, and I heard what I thought was the sound of squealing tires. I paused the DVD and listened, determining that it was a car, probably fishtailing by this point, and then heard the CRUNCH. It seemed to be right in front of the house, based on how loud it was, so I opened the front door, and sure enough, I could see lights at the bottom of the hill, stopped in front of the house. The driver must have hit the guard rail, as there was only one vehicle.

I picked up my phone and called the highway patrol. After explaining to the dispatcher what appeared to have happened, she proceeded to tell me that I needed to call the Fairfield County Sheriff's office, as that was my "local police department." So, I called them (the number the OSHP gave me was wrong, by the way, so I had to look it up), and by the time I got a dispatcher on the phone, the driver was leaving the scene.

Here's my issue with the OSHP: 1) I live on a STATE HIGHWAY; 2) They have a station 4 miles from my home ON THE SAME STATE HIGHWAY; 3) the Fairfield County Sheriff is 7.6 miles from my home, and they have to come from in town. Had OSHP responded, they would have been there before the guy left. Oh well, I guess nobody was hurt, at least too badly. It just made no sense to me.

On the Tonsillectomy

2010-08-30T21:22:00.004-04:00

Wow. It's been quite a while. I created this blog mainly to deal with the anxiety leading up to my surgery. Now that I have recuperated, I have been spending more time with my kids and taking care of my home. I haven't been thinking much about the web. It is such an amazing difference - how I feel now versus how I felt before the surgery. Now I don't know why I waited so long to do that!

Some of you have been asking me what the tonsillectomy was like. Believe it or not, it was much worse than the hysterectomy! It is definitely true that doing it as an adult is hell. The first week was semi-okay. It was sore but more like a standard sore throat. The second week was absolutely horrid! The scabs fell off about 7 or 8 days post-op, and it was like my world was toppled. For the first week, cold food and drinks like Popsicles and Gatorade went down easy, so I was able to stay hydrated and get some energy. I also only needed pain medication every 4-6 hours, and it was well-managed.

All that changed after those darn scabs fell off. Cold was suddenly extremely painful. I couldn't eat anything at all, and only lukewarm liquids such as tea and broth were tolerable. And the pain! Oh, it was bad! My husband called the doctor and got a revised schedule for my pain meds. Between the (liquid) Percocet and something called "magic mouthwash" (a combination of diphenhydramine, lidocaine, and an antacid), I was taking something for pain every hour. Yes, every hour. And it still was not fully under control. This may be cliche, but the pain was maddening. I've never had pain that was so disconcerting. The chronic pelvic pain that led to the hysterectomy was awful, don't get me wrong, but when your throat hurts that bad, it really gets to you fast.

Even with all that pain, if I had it to do over again, I would still go through with the tonsillectomy. I haven't had anything catch in my throat since the surgery, and I haven't had my throat swell to the point it was hard to breathe. Granted, it's only 3.5 months out, but I had something catch and cause swelling at least every other week. It was definitely worth it.

By the way, did anyone else notice that I seem to have written my best while under the influence of Percocet...?

Why Did the Mole Cross the Road?

2010-07-12T14:46:00.002-04:00

Why, to escape the flood in his burrow, of course! Yes, today I nearly ran over a mole in the road. I can't say I had ever seen a mole on a road before.

There was a very heavy rain while I was driving up the road this morning. I had decided to take the back roads, because I knew that with the rain, traffic would be really backed up on the main routes. For some reason, people around here just can't drive in the rain or snow, but I digress. Back to the mole in the road: I saw something moving across the road, and it was already about halfway across the two-lane road, going to the right. I thought it was a piece of trash blowing across, looked like a black tube or something, but then I could tell it was moving too smoothly to be trash. I slowed down so I wouldn't hit it, and when it was about half way across my lane I could finally tell it was a mole. His little legs were moving as fast as they could.

I had never seen a mole trying to run before. They don't lope like groundhogs or ferrets. The body stayed very still, with those short little legs getting a serious workout. It was kind of like a cartoon where the body is relatively stationary while the legs are moving so fast all you see are the motion lines going in circles. Well, I hope the little guy made it to a new place out of the rain. Since I stopped to let him cross, I know he made it off the road, but I don't know where he went thereafter. Of course, the people who owned the property on that side of the road probably would rather I hadn't slowed down at all...

On Healing

2010-07-06T19:19:00.003-04:00

I still have a long way to go before I am completely healed from my hysterectomy. I still have pains and end up exhausted if I do too much, and the healing tissue gets pulled if I make the wrong moves. They say that at 6 months (I’m at 2 months) post-op, you are 80% healed from the operation and that it takes at least a year to fully recover. That’s a long time, but there is a lot that has to happen.

Yes, the wounds from the surgery have completely closed and did so weeks ago - at least the external ones, but that's not the end of it. The scars will continue to break down and rebuild, creating ever smoother and less noticeable lines. But they will always be there. I do not dwell on physical imperfections; they don't bother me. The point is that I will always have the reminders of what I had to go through. And much of the scarring and healing is taking place on the inside, where nobody, not even me, can see them. But I know they are there.

So it is with emotional wounds and their healing, too. The scars may not ever completely go away, but they do heal and fade with the passage of enough time. When someone is hurt badly enough, it can take years for the healing to be completed. Some would say that the healing is never complete. While I agree that there will always be that scar, that reminder, it doesn't mean that you have not healed. Healing is the restoration of damaged (tissue or psyche in this case) to normal function. When you return to being healthy, be it your physical body or your emotional state, you are healed, even if the scars remain and no matter how long it takes to achieve that. That doesn't mean you have to forget or that you are not changed or that it is no longer a part of you. It just means you are "normal" again, even if "normal" is different than it was before.

Looks like my sister's getting a divorce, too

2010-07-06T17:07:00.001-04:00

Not that it's any great surprise. She and her husband haven't been talking for a while now, or at least so it seems. She's been spending plenty of nights away from her own house, and he listed their house for sale apparently without her knowledge a while back. She finally got her own place and is moving. Sounds pretty permanent. I don't know what will happen, but I'm hoping there will just be a mutual concession that it's over. The last thing she needs is a long, drawn-out process over this. Of course, it already has been a long, drawn-out process.

Why do people have to hurt each other?

2010-07-02T23:19:00.007-04:00

The other day, I received an email from an acquaintance who I knew must have been having marital issues for some months and noticed that her last name was now displaying as her maiden name. While we are not what I would call friends, she seems nice enough, and I felt sad for her at that moment. So I sent her a note to express my condolences, making it clear she didn't need to respond. I had no idea what had gone on between her and her ex.

Well, she responded with what seemed to be genuine gratitude for my acknowledgment of her situation, and from what she said I am under the impression that he really hurt her. I don't know what exactly he did, but what doesn't really matter.

Why the hell do people do that to each other? I don't mean divorce. I mean turning on the person they promised to love forever. If you don't love her any more, fine. Have a frank discussion and leave. A heart would be broken, but at least you're not "twisting the knife," so to speak. Lying, cheating, emotional or physical abuse (I'm talking generally now, not about her specific situation, as I don't know any details). Why? Isn't it easier to just leave? Or not get married in the first place? Maybe make sure you really can live with the person before getting married?

When one partner is actually in love and the other starts with the deceit or abuse, she or he can be blind to any clues that a problem exists. Then when it smacks them in the face, they are devastated. Add in on top of that the stress of going through divorce proceedings, and it can really affect a person for the rest of her life.

Why are people so mean? Why do they cut so deeply the person they chose as a mate? How can you go from loving someone enough to share your life with them to intentionally inflicting pain? Even if you don't marry out of love - if it's lust or finances or you just want some company - why be a jackass? Do people take pleasure in that kind of thing?? Does it make them feel big to totally crush the person who chose to settle down with them, put up with them, and have children with them?

I just don't get it. Yes, there are times I want to make someone "pay" in retaliation for some wrong (actual or perceived), but it always makes me feel crappy afterward, and I end up apologizing, even if it falls on deaf ears. I have the urge to at least punch the guy in the nose who caused my acquaintance so much pain and I feel he deserves it, but it wouldn't undo what he did. I also have no idea what she may have done to him.

Now that I ranted about that, I can beat myself up a little bit. At the beginning of the post, I mentioned I knew she was having marital troubles. Yet I never once reached out to her before she sent that email. My philosophy was that she would tell me whatever she wanted me to know. But is that philosophy flawed? I actually feel kind of guilty. I know what it feels like to trudge through the day without revealing my troubles while secretly but desperately wanting understanding or support from someone, anyone, even everyone. She didn't have to tell me anything for me to tell her she had my support. It's too late to go back now. It's also too late for me to be up - it's way past my bedtime and I'm sleepy. Good-bye for now.

I Survived!

2010-05-18T22:08:00.002-04:00

Well, I got through my surgeries and have been home since 4pm this afternoon. While I think I let them release me a few hours too soon (more on that later), I'm doing very well now and am as comfortable as can be expected. Overall, it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as I expected it to, especially the tonsils. I was expecting it to feel like my last bout of tonsillitis - like there were knives sticking into the sides of my throat. But really it's just like a standard sore throat. Not even the "scratchy" kind!

My tummy is very sore, too, but that's more bearable than the pain I had been in leading up to this. I apparently had extensive adhesions, which I rather expected from the types of pain I was having in addition to the uterine pain. The surgeon said she found no "active" endometriosis, though, so that's good. Hopefully now I will have a lot of relief.

I do feel like they pushed me out of the hospital a little too soon, though. I had been on just liquid Percocet, but the pain got a little worse, and I was offered and accepted dilaudid at 10am, in between my Percocet doses. It allowed me to rest and feel a bit better, and they told me I could go home. At 3pm, I left the hospital. But I was in quite a lot of pain in my belly. The hour ride home was not pleasant, either. Then when I made it home, I had a terrible time with gas pains. If I had just stayed for three more hours at the hospital, I think I would have been better off. I could have gotten through this at the hospital, with the extra help of the nurses, and would have been more comfortable. Can't change it now, though!

Well, with the Percocet, I am rather drowsy, and I hope this makes some sense. I will try to add some more later.

"I Wanna Be Sedated"

2010-04-21T11:40:00.003-04:00

Never was a huge Ramones fan, but that song - or at least the title - definitely fits today. The pain is really bad for some reason. I was up most of the night in pain. Yes, I took my prescription pain killers, but it didn't seem to help much, and I can't take them before I drive or while I'm at work. For the past 12 hours or so, I've had a strong desire to just be knocked out. Even a bat to the head is somewhat appealing right now. Anything so I won't feel the pain. But that wouldn't really get me anywhere. If I'm unconscious, I can't go to work. If I don't go to work, I have to use sick leave. And if I use sick leave, I'll have to tap more of my vacation time to cover my leave for my surgery, jeopardizing the family vacation we already have planned for August.

If my doctor's office called today and said they could do my surgery tomorrow, I would jump at the opportunity. We all know that's not going to happen, and I have to just stick it out until my scheduled date in a little under four weeks. The current tormenting pain will subside in a few days like it always does, and I will survive. There are just some days like today that I just wish I didn't have to deal with it, that I could just put my life on hold to escape it. Then again, I do have my family to think of, and that does help get me through. :)

My Little One is Growing Up!

2010-04-15T12:23:00.002-04:00

It's official: my youngest is fully potty-trained. There have been no accidents for a long time, and so her daddy is taking her out to buy her first "big girl undies." I am so happy! It is a very big step for her, and she is so proud, as am I. She has been wearing disposable training pants for a while now, and lately they have been wearing out rather than being soiled. It makes my day to see her face when she tells me she has been "dry all day, Mommy!" Then there's the other upside to this - no more money to spend on training pants or diapers! EVER!

It's confirmed!

2010-04-14T12:12:00.002-04:00

It is now official that my two surgeries will be on May 17. I just heard from my gyn surgeon's assistant that it was no problem to schedule the OR for the extra hour. Yay! They had me a little worried earlier in the day when she called and asked if I would be willing to reschedule in the event they could not actually book the extra time. Of course, if she had managed to get in touch with the otolaryngologist's office - which started calling her two weeks ago - in a timely manner, there would not have been a need to worry me like that!

Run-in with the Mob Wagon

2010-04-08T22:29:00.004-04:00

So I was traveling home the other day when I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a black Mercedes with black windows and chrome trim running up on my rear. My first thought was, "Well, that looks like a mafia car..." So I get into the right lane after passing another vehicle, and when the Mercedes pulls alongside, I see it is a station wagon. A Mercedes wagon? Tricked out like a mobster car?? I was quite amused by this point, but it got better. When the car passed, I finally saw its personalized license plate: MOBWAGON. At least the owner knows how funny it is...

Of all the crazy things I've done

2010-04-06T22:32:00.008-04:00

I've had endometriosis and related issues since at least 1999, although it probably started much earlier than that, really. That was just the time I started having terrible pain, and in 2000 I was officially diagnosed. I have been through nearly every medical treatment possible, including two laparoscopic surgeries. Nothing worked, at least for long. I finally found decent relief in the fall of 2007, but as usual, my body has started overtaking the treatment. It has snowballed to the point that I sometimes have unbearable uterine pain and nearly always have some level of pelvic pain. An annual pelvic exam will cause me to have dizzying pain for three days to a week! It is really affecting my life, and so I decided to go ahead and have a hysterectomy.

Yep, I'm going to be gutted like a fish. Okay, so maybe not that severe. Hopefully I will keep most of my "guts," with only my uterus getting ripped out. I'll be keeping my ovaries if possible, too. Menopause at my relatively young age just isn't appealing. Of course, the procedure itself isn't very appealing, either, but the prospect of relief is. After returning home from an exam in so much pain I wanted to remove the blighted organ with whatever kitchen knife I could get my hands on, I decided it was time for the operation. If I'm to the point I want to do it myself, then I am ready for this. My doctor will also be "cleaning up" any endometriosis that is in there, along with any adhesions.

All this is crazy enough, but I didn't stop there. I also have chronic cryptic tonsillitis and went to my otolaryngologist to see if he could take my tonsils out sometime while I was still off for the hysterectomy. He immediately suggested doing the surgeries together. Me being the insane person I am, I of course said, "Really? Okay!" The hyst will actually be done first, then he will come in and cut out my tonsils. It may be difficult for the first few days post-op, but the up sides are that I will have only one hospital admission, only one set of "pokes" for IVs and anesthesia, and I will be under anesthesia for less total time. He warned me that I would have pain in two places at once, but I said I've been having pain in those two places concurrently for years! My husband is already looking forward to it; as he puts it, I won't be able to yell at him or chase him down!

My procedures are set for May 17. I am a bit nervous about it and will likely post somewhat often on the subject. On the flip side, I am also looking forward to it, because it will eliminate two sources of pain and aggravation in my life. So, I don't want to see comments from anyone telling me they're sorry. I'm not sorry, why should you be? I don't want pity. In fact, I want to celebrate once everything is done! Who's with me?